The Aldi Express

Get up early, go for runs
Get in training, flex your guns
You’re sweaty-palmed, stressed and tense
Bags at the ready let battle commence
But there’s zero fuckin’ chance of success
When you go into battle with the Aldi Express

She’s supersonic, double bionic
Spry and adept with the electronics
Hands that move at the speed of light
Turn a tin of beans to a meteorite
You’re befuzzled and belittled with checkout stress
When you go into battle with the Aldi Express

Whether it’s hurling honey, manhandling money
Or launching frozen peas
You’ll witness soy sauce propelled with such force
It’ll bring you to your knees
She flings fish fingers like a woman possessed
You’ll never pass the pack fast test
Set your course to destination distress
When you go into battle with the Aldi Express

A leg of lamb then double-smoked ham
Propelled by kinetic power
And a coconut slice is not very nice
At a hundred miles an hour
Just don’t risk it with a brittle biscuit
You’ll watch them succumb to crumbs
As they zoom past the scanner in a breakneck manner
After one deft flick of her thumbs
Your chocolate digestives turn to molecular mess
When you go into battle with the Aldi Express

I’m in a state of panic, call a biomechanic
As the groceries pile up unpacked
She’s nothing but contempt for your packing attempt
Because you’ve been too slow to react
“Catalogue?” she said
As you squeeze in your bread
Already mentally scarred
But you’re even more unsteady
When well before you’re ready
She asks, “Is it cash or card?”
Without packing finesse you’ll fail to impress
When you go into battle with the Aldi Express

With a wham bam scan you ma’am
She epitomises the meticulous
I know the trend is for fast food
But this is bloody ridiculous
Easy with that widescreen TV and scratching pole for the cat
If you’re not too careful one of these days
You’ll have someone’s eye out with that
Despite being reduced to a quivering mess
From gathering groceries under mounting duress
You’ll be back next week bags in hand nonetheless
And go into battle with the Aldi Express

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